I have been meaning to do a post on this for a while now. I listened to this audiobook series prior to the start of the pandemic and lucky for me… I didn’t have to let it go for a while because Netflix made the series into a movie in 2018.

I will never forget how audiobooks helped me through my quarantine… out in the middle of nowhere. There was little to do. For those of you that do not know… To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is a 2014 young adult romance novel by American author Jenny Han. Han was inspired to write the book based on her own habit of writing love letters to boys she had crushes on as a teenager. That was enough to suck me in because I too wrote love letters to boys I had crushes on in middle school. That blew up in my face one time… luckily for me… Lara Jean succeeded.

Now I do not normally read YA… (Nothing against it… I am just older. As a point, I am glad there is a lot of great YA for my nieces and nephews to get in to.) But the plot sounds a lot like something I went through so I jumped right into it with both feet. And keep in mind that I will always love a fake dating trope.

As I do… I will go over the plot and my reactions to how things unfolded… As always if you plan to read it or see the movie and have not yet done so… SPOILERS… So let’s get into it.

Lara Jean Song Covey is a 16 year old, half-Korean American girl living in Virginia. She is extremely close to her older sister Margot and younger sister Kitty. Lara Jean was given a teal hatbox given by her late mother, who died of cancer when Lara Jean was just 9. Lara Jean Song Covey is a secret romantic who keeps old love letters that she has written to the five boys she has loved in the past. Lara Jean writes these letters as a form of emotional closure when she no longer loves a boy (been there and done that.). She openly pours out her heart on the page. When the letter is finished, she addresses and seals it before putting in her vintage hatbox for safekeeping. (Now… this is the teenager in me… but the adult in me saw how addressing the letters was an issue that would come back to bite her in the ass.)

She is about to start her Junior year in high school. This, she has mixed feelings about. She hung out with her sister Margot and Margot’s boyfriend Josh Sanderson at lunch and in between periods… Like a real third wheel. (This gets interesting later.) But since Margot has finished her senior year, she is off to Scotland for University. (Scotland??? I wondered why she chose that location. To me… It seemed like the farthest possible place to send a character.) But Margot’s departure means that LJ is on her own for Junior year. Semi on her own… because Josh is there for another year as well.

Josh Sanderson is not only Margot’s Boyfriend… he is the Song-Covey’s next door neighbor. He is over for dinner all the time… but what LJ reveals to us is that she and Josh had been friends for years. And that she had the biggest crush on Josh in the beginning. But when he started dating her sister, Margot, two years prior… she finished the letter to him… and packed it away so she could be there for her sister. (I cannot even imagine how hurtful it had to be to sit and watch them all the time. I remember having a crush of mine in high school start dating a friend of mine… that was painful but I mean I didn’t have to see them all the time. This seems like a special hell. Poor LJ.) Additionally, I am not sure I believe that Margot had no knowledge of LJ’s crush on Josh. I just do not believe that you could live in a house and constantly be in close proximity to your sister and not know.

Before the start of Junior year for LJ and Josh, Margot decides to end the relationship with him. Margot breaks up with Josh because she’s going to Scotland for college and does not want to be hampered by a long-distance relationship. Makes sense to me… except Josh didn’t seem to know it was coming. Margot advises LJ that she needs to breakout and do different things. LJ seems against the idea from the beginning.

The day that Margot leaves for Scotland, Lara Jean gets into a small traffic accident after running a stoplight. Lara Jean has no confidence when it comes to driving. She is a nervous driver… (I didn’t get my Driver’s License until well after high school. So I get it. But since Margot is away, LJ will have to take herself and Kitty to and from school.) Poor LJ is being thrust into all kinds of new things, she doesn’t want to be in. But it is a part of coming of age. The accident makes her so emotional, she calls Josh to come help her. While she’s waiting and crying, her childhood friend Peter Kavinsky drives by and stops his car to help her. They chat for a while, and Lara Jean recalls that Peter was her first kiss. When she assures him that she’ll be fine, Peter leaves, and Josh arrives. (Who is Peter…? What is happening with that? I need more information on this!!!) Josh asks Lara Jean if he can still visit her, her dad and Kitty, even though Margot broke up with him, and she says yes. (I mean what was she going to say? No? I doubt it. She wants to continue being his friend and probably feels bad that he is sad that Margot is gone.)

Later when Josh takes Kitty, and LJ to the movies and has dinner with the family, during a conversation about first crushes… Josh admits that Lara Jean was actually his first love, which fills her with conflicting feelings because she’s certain that Margot and Josh will eventually get back together. For me, this was dangerous territory because what was the reason to tell her that now…? Does he think she is supposed to be flattered by that? I didn’t care for that at all. (But I have to remember these are teenagers.)Especially since it didn’t stop him from dating her sister… ( and more. More on that later.)

Shit hits the fan the next day at school because she keeps being accosted by guys who she wrote letters to. What the hell? Peter approaches LJ and tells her that she’s wrong about the things she wrote about him in her letter. She doesn’t understand what he’s talking about until he shows her the letter he received, one of the love letters that should have been in the hatbox. He refuses to give it back to her as he wants to keep it forever. She rushes home and discovers that her hatbox is missing, so she presumes that all five love letters have been mailed to the boys she used to love. Now remember this is being read to me while I am working… So naturally I screamed… Because what an invasion of privacy… Also remember I said that it was a bad idea to address and stamp letters you didn’t plan on sending girl. I could just imagine my life being hell if I had written that many letters to guys I went to school with. I would have to change schools immediately. Also who mailed these damn letters??? They had been in there for years… so what the hell? QTNA people.

LJ’s mortification over Peter reading his love letter pales in comparison to her fear that Josh will also receive his letter. I too was in a panic… for her. I had secondhand embarrassment. At school, Josh confronts LJ about her feelings for him. The thing is though… There are 5 letters… floating around to 5 boys. Margot’s boyfriend Josh Sanderson, a boy named Kenny from camp, Peter from 7th grade, Lucas from homecoming, and John Ambrose from model UN. 

“Josh Sanderson, I liked you first. By all rights, you were mine. And if it had been me, I’d have packed you in my suitcase and taken you with me, or, you know what, I would have stayed. I would never have left you. Not in a million years, not for anything.”

Backed into a corner by her own handwriting, LJ says the first thing that comes to her mind. She lies and not well.(Is it what I would have done? Hmmm… Maybe.) She tells Josh that her feelings for him were over a long time ago, then she lies again and says that she’s now dating Peter. Girl what? She could have made up a Canadian boyfriend and went with that. How you gonna pick someone both of you know and not even talk to them about it? SMH.

To solidify her point… As Peter is walking down the hall… runs over to jump in his arms and kiss him, which confuses Peter, Josh and everyone else in the hallway. (Great! Nothing like assault…I am only half joking…) Even though… Peter seems okay with it… It was a bit much. LJ’s best friend warns her that Peter’s ex-girlfriend Genevieve (Genn) still considers Peter her property and will be angry with Lara Jean for going near him. Not how Margot wanted her to start the year.

“That’s when I see him. Peter Kavinsky, walking down the hallway. Like magic. Beautiful, dark-haired Peter. He deserves background music, he looks so good.” “Peter. Kavinsky. Peter Kavinsky!” The bell rings, and I sail past Josh. “I’ve gotta go! Talk later, Josh!”
“Wait!” he calls out.
I run up to Peter and launch myself into his arms like a shot out of a cannon. I’ve got my arms around his neck and my legs hooked around his waist, and I don’t even know how my body knows how, because I’ve for sure never touched a boy like this in my life. It’s like we’re in a movie and the music is swelling and waves are crashing around us. Except for the fact that Peter’s expression is registering pure shock and disbelief and maybe a drop of amusement, because Peter likes to be amused. Raising his eyebrows, he says, “Lara Jean? What the–?”
I don’t answer. I just kiss him. Because for about three seconds, he’s kissing me back. Peter Kavinsky, the boy of every girl’s dreams, is kissing me back. I open my eyes and Peter’s staring at me with that same expression on his face. Very sincerely I say, “Thank you.” He replies, “You’re welcome,” and I hop out of his arms and sprint off in the opposite direction.”

LJ for her part tries to figure out how to get out of this situation unscathed… and let Peter off the hook. She comes with the bright idea to say that she and Peter broke up. That would make everything go away right? RIGHT? Well… if that was the case there would be no series. LJ tries to tell Josh that her “relationship” with Peter is over. This backfires because Peter has already told people otherwise. It is something I would have thought would fix everything. But honestly… Nothing is ever that easy.

“Actually, Peter and I broke up this morning.” I bite my lip and try to look sad. “It’s just, really hard, you know? After I liked him for so long and then finally he likes me back. But it’s just not meant to be. I don’t think he’s over his breakup yet. I think maybe Genevieve still has too strong a hold on him, so there’s no room in his heart for me.”

Josh gives me a funny look. “That’s not what he was saying today at McCalls.”

What in the world was Peter K. doing at a bookstore? He’s not the bookstore type. “What did he say?” I try to sound casual, but my heart is pounding so loudly I’m pretty sure Sadie can hear it.

Josh keeps petting Sadie.

“What did he say?” Now I’m just trying not to sound shrill. “Like, what was said exactly?”

“When I was ringing him up, I asked him when you guys started going out, and he said recently. He said he really liked you.”

Both me and LJ are flabbergasted… Because why in the world would Peter say this… Why wouldn’t he blow up her spot? (I will come back to that later.) I also want to know why Josh asked Peter that unprovoked. Peter is there leisurely and you are bombarding him with questions about his relationship? But for some reason, things go from weird to weirder.  Later, Lara Jean explains to Peter why she kissed him (She apologizes for kissing him… Good on you LJ.) and he suggests that they should pretend to be a couple so that things can go back to normal between her and Josh and so that Peter can make his ex-girlfriend Genevieve jealous. Remember that it is Peter’s idea and his suggestion that they date. If you are keeping track of the tropes that I enjoy… Fake Dating takes the cake. So here we go.

“It would help you out too, you know. With that kid Josh. Weren’t you so worried about losing face in front of him? This could save you from more humiliation. Because why would you be with him when you could be with me? Well, pretend be with me. Strictly business, though. I can’t have you falling in love with me, too.”

It gives me great pleasure to look up into his Handsome Boy face and sweetly say, “Peter, I don’t even want to be your pretend girlfriend, much less your real one.”

He blinks. “Why not?”

“You read my letter. You’re not my type. Nobody would ever believe I would like you.”

“It’s up to you. I’m just trying to do us both a favor.” Then he shrugs and looks over my shoulder, like he’s bored with this conversation. “But Josh definitely believed it.”

In a flash, without even thinking, I say, “Okay. Let’s do it.”

There is an exchange where Peter and Lara Jean talk about her letters and how many other guys got letters. He seems somewhat heartbroken that other guys were written letters. He wants to know who… and why is that relevant? None of that is important Peter. He knows that Josh is one of the recipients. She mentions having written a letter to Lucas… to which Peter points out is interesting because Lucas is gay. LJ thinks he is just talking… but when Lucas approaches her later… and gives her the letter back. He asks her if she knows he is gay. So Peter was right. Good thing that none of the guys are mean to her. (I have had that happen before.) And she and Lucas remain friends throughout the series.

I have to say the fact that Peter remains tight lipped when questioned by Josh has to be my favorite thing. Like obviously he is taking LJ home. Who are you the police? Josh is already feeling jealous (and in my mind not minding his business.) and while a friend of mine who watched the book pointed out that Josh feels blindsided by the fact that he liked Lara Jean and she liked him but he never knew it… (I agree with that to a certain extent.) But I mean that ship has sailed. It is okay to mourn that… but to try and stop her life is crazy. And don’t get me wrong, I have been in mourning myself, and I haven’t forgotten these are teenagers, but some lessons are hard to learn. He was fine as long as he was dating her sister and she was around third wheeling. It was all about him. (Insert Eyeroll.)

Peter starts giving Lara Jean a ride to school in the mornings and he also drives Kitty: Kitty and Peter get on well with each other much to Lara Jean’s chagrin. She knows this is fake and wants to keep Peter at arms length. She can’t do that if her sister is going to be getting close and loving Peter being around. Peter being around continues to also rub Josh the wrong way… because he gets to be at the house less and less as Peter gets to be there more and more… (Again, I say… not LJ’s fault or problem.)

LJ decides that she and Peter need to draw up a contract… to protect her heart and her interests. Peter may think it is silly but he does along with it.  Even goes so far as to add things into the contract… and I will go more into that later. Peter helps Lara Jean make cupcakes for Kitty’s PTA bake sale before taking Lara Jean to a party and invites her to join him on a trip to an estate sale to scout purchases for his mom’s antique business.

Pretending to be a couple is difficult at first, but Lara Jean grows to like the attention other people pay to her when she’s with Peter, and she likes Peter’s friends and the social activities they do together. As they grow closer emotionally, Josh grows increasingly jealous of Lara Jean’s not-completely-fake relationship with Peter. He seems to think making snide comments about Peter is the way to go… and is even more annoyed that it doesn’t work the way he thinks… and it somewhat drives a wedge between them.

In the book, Josh’s family dynamic is much different than LJ’s. Josh’s parents fight often, and when the fights are bad, Josh comes over to Lara Jean’s house. It’s not something they ever talk about. One night, Lara Jean can hear the fighting, so she turns on the lights. He shows up a half-hour later and watches TV while Lara Jean does homework. They discuss the upcoming spring play, and Josh encourages her to try out; it’d be good for her to take a risk. Lara Jean makes a face and stops what she’s doing when Josh says her world can be bigger than riding in Peter’s car. (This seems like an unnecessary dig. It is another comment on how LJ should be doing something to separate herself from Peter now… that neither Josh nor Margot encouraged her to do while she was watching them be in love. Peter has encouraged LJ to be out of her shell more and more and for some reason… Neither Josh nor Margot has anything positive to say about that, her, or Peter.) It reads as if they really do not enjoy watching her be happy or have a life that is not centered on them.

For Halloween… LJ is in a dilemma coming up with a costume. (I know this dilemma first hand. There is not a lot of choices when it comes to cosplay or characters to dress up as for halloween as a Black woman. And then people not getting what you do choose because of your race or nationality.) Lara Jean was Velma from Scooby-Doo last year, and everyone thought she was a manga character. Now, she’s decided to stick with Asian characters, so this year she’s dressed as Cho Chang from Harry Potter. As she waits for Peter before school, Josh comes out of his house—dressed as Harry Potter. They both laugh, and Josh offers to take Lara Jean to school, but she declines. Even though this is a coincidence… supposedly… (Given Josh’s behavior up to this point, I wonder.) It doesn’t look great… and I had the feeling that Peter would be annoyed. Peter is late, as usual. As LJ gets into his car, he asks if she’s an anime character. (Hear a loud groan from me.) Lara Jean snaps that she’s Cho Chang, but Peter gives her a blank look. (Apparently, they are vastly different and there is nothing wrong with that… but it doesn’t help that Peter does exactly what LJ was hoping against.) He’s not dressed up; and Lara Jean doesn’t ask what his costume is. She’s angry, and he doesn’t ask what’s wrong. Finally, she snaps that she wishes he wasn’t always late. They argue, and Lara Jean says she’s not going to ride with him if he’s late. (But is that really the issue? No. But I need them to communicate better which for YA’s takes time.)

Chris (dressed as Courtney Love) and Lara Jean sit in the theater balcony during the costume judging. Peter and his friends are dressed as superheroes; Peter is Spiderman. Genevieve is Catwoman. Peter and his friends win for best group costume, and Genevieve wins best individual costume for her grade. This signifies to LJ that Peter and Gen are better suited to one another and that they are in a different stratosphere than her in regards to high school popularity. (Not sure she ever thought about it before. But now it seems to be glaringly obvious. But I would point out that, this wouldn’t bother her so much if she didn’t really like Peter.) After the assembly, Peter finds Lara Jean at her locker. Just then, Josh walks by and pretends to shoot a spell at Lara Jean. Lara Jean retaliates with a spell of her own. Then, Peter says it’s “weird” that Lara Jean is wearing a couple’s costume with someone else. (Well there it is… most people would draw that conclusion… LJ rolls her eyes, but she says it wasn’t planned and, anyway, nobody cares about her costume. For some reason, she kind of brushes it under the rug… Earlier, she was annoyed and wanted him to acknowledge that. And now she is downplaying Peter. Peter is adamant that people notice that Lara Jean is dressed like Josh, but Lara Jean insists she has no choice. If she dresses as anyone else, they’ll think she’s a manga character. Peter says he could’ve been a Harry Potter character if they’d talked about it. And here is an instance where communication is key. If you had asked him… he would have done with you/ for you. (Something that I maintain is the exact opposite of who Margot makes him out to be.)

 Lara Jean tries a silencing spell on him, and they end up chasing each other down the hall trying to tickle each other. By the time they get to chemistry class, Lara Jean can’t stop giggling. During class, Peter passes her a note promising to be on time tomorrow. Lara Jean saves it. When Lara Jean and Peter are honest with each other and note what they’d like the other person to do, they find that it’s not so hard to come to an understanding and make up. It was a cute make up… it reminded me of the costume days we had when I was in school.

“Halfway through class he sends me a note. He’s drawn spiderwebs around the edges. It says, I’ll be on time tomorrow. I smile as I read it. Then I put it in my backpack, in my French textbook so the page won’t crease or crumble. I want to keep it so when this is over, I can have something to look at and remember what it was like to be Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend. Even if it was all just pretend.”

Lara Jean has to go to the grocery store; the food situation is dire. Lara Jean tells herself that she has to practice for when Peter and Genevieve get back together, and she no longer has a ride to school. This is a cryptic thought that keeps popping up… because even though Peter said he wants to make Gen jealous by pretending to date LJ… Peter has actually given NO INDICATION that he is interested in getting back with Genn. At no point, does he bring her up at all. But the thought spurs LJ to try driving again which is a good thing. That night, Lara Jean makes her Mom’s special veggie rice balls for her and Kitty’s lunches tomorrow. At lunch the next day, Peter, Darrell, and Gabe love the rice balls and eat most of them. When there’s only one left, Lara Jean offers it to Peter. But Peter, presumably remembering the accusation that he always eats the last slice of pizza, tells Lara Jean to take it. Lara Jean feeds it to Peter instead—and in that moment, she forgets that their relationship isn’t real. Peter notices and asks why Lara Jean looks sad, but Lara Jean makes a joke of it. He offers to buy her more food later, since he and his friends ate most of her lunch. Lara Jean’s relationship is starting to feel increasingly bittersweet. She’s certain that things are going to end, and that Peter isn’t really interested her. But at the same time, she also finds herself falling for Peter. This makes their lie even more difficult—because now, their relationship doesn’t feel so much like a lie. While this is sad for Lara Jean, though, her fear of intimacy means that she takes this emotion and channels it into making herself more independent, which is a good thing right?

Lara Jean, Kitty and their dad are having a virtual Sunday night dinner with Margot. They’re eating pizza, while Margot is eating a salad. Margot scolds Lara Jean and Daddy for not feeding Kitty more vegetables. Why is she comfortable scolding her father… ? No idea. I would never but… whatever. Margot goes on to say that Peter cheated on a test and is “douchey,” like all the lacrosse guys—and he isn’t good for Lara Jean. (Now what test would she be referring to since she is two years older than them… and is away? Where did she hear this? And why would she just believe this?) And to blurt it out on a video call after not seeing them for a while feels calculated. A really just a bitchy more in general.

LJ says Peter isn’t like the other lacrosse guys and stews in silence. Why can’t Margot be happy for her, or at least pretend to be? And why is she saying all of this stuff in front of Kitty and Daddy? LJ asks Margot to give Peter a chance,(especially since she knows nothing about him) but Margot doesn’t answer. Instead, she asks about Genevieve. (This mean-spirited tactic made me not like Margot… She wants LJ to just do what she is told… so she keeps bringing up things to hurt LJ but doesn’t know enough to know that Peter and Gen have been broken up for a while. Lara Jean explains they broke up months ago. There is no reason she should have had to explain this.)After a minute, Margot says Peter isn’t very smart. Angrily, Lara Jean says that not everyone can be a National Merit Scholar like Margot. (Another thing I do not like… about people in general… is thinking that you are smarter and therefore better than everyone… Like get off your high horse.)

Both Margot and Josh are unhappy that Lara Jean is dating Peter, but Dr. Covey and Kitty really like him and are pleased that he is Lara Jean’s boyfriend. Margot in particular doesn’t know anything about Peter so I didn’t understand her judgmental hatred for Peter right off the rip. I have an idea… I imagine being away for school is a bit much and so young and seeing things at home change without you can be hard. But being mean to your sister is not the way to go. It was weird from long distance. Josh on the other hand, I saw this coming but again it was still odd.

“I definitely don’t think he’s a good guy for you. All of those lacrosse guys are so douchey.”

“Well, Peter’s not like those other guys.” I don’t understand why Margot can’t just be happy for me. I was at least pretend happy for her when she started dating Josh. She could be pretend happy for me too.”

“He’s a douche. I’m sorry, but he is. All the guys on the lacrosse team are. Guys like Kavinsky, they only care about one thing. As soon as they get what they want, they’re bored.”

I got the impression that both Margot and Josh didn’t want LJ to be happy period. You tell her that she needs to get out more and actually be a teen girl… then you immediately tell her the guy that stopped to help her, and drives her and Kitty to and from school because she has anxiety around driving is a douche. Solely based on the fact that he plays lacrosse? What sis? Luckily both her dad and her younger sister are better judges of character. Dad says that he likes Peter, and that Peter is very taken with Lara Jean. Kitty concurs. She notes that Peter always looks at Lara Jean to make sure she’s having a good time.

“Buttering a roll, my dad says, “I like Peter.”
“You do?” I say.
Daddy nods. “He’s a good kid. He’s really taken with you, Lara Jean.”
“Taken with me?” I repeat.
To me Kitty says, “You sound like a parrot.”
To Daddy she says, “What does that mean? Taken by her?”
“It means he’s charmed by her,” Daddy explains. “He’s smitten.”
“Well, what’s smitten?” He chuckles and stuffs the roll in Kitty’s open, perplexed mouth. “It means he likes her.”
“He definitely likes her,” Kitty agrees, her mouth full. “He . . . he looks at you a lot, Lara Jean. When you’re not paying attention. He looks at you, to see if you’re having a good time.”
“He does?” My chest feels warm and glowy, and I can feel myself start to smile.”

In the book, Peter and LJ study at Starbucks the next afternoon. On the way home, Peter asks LJ if she signed up for the school ski trip. She hasn’t, so Peter begs her to come—it’ll be fun, and even if she’s not a good skier she can sit in the lodge, drink cocoa, and read. LJ decides to go on the ski trip. Deciding to go on the ski trip, despite not liking skiing, is a mark of how much Lara Jean likes Peter. This also represents her stepping outside of her comfort zone, something that would no doubt please her father and Kitty. Once Peter has dropped LJ off, she realizes she left her bag with her house keys in his car. Her Dad and Kitty aren’t home, and the spare key is inside. Of course, Josh has a spare key, so Lara Jean tosses rocks at his window and asks for the keys. Rather than just throwing them down, Josh comes outside—and tells Lara Jean that Peter isn’t trustworthy or good enough. (It is like listening to a broken record. It is strange. Again… it is easy to set themselves up as people against LJ, when they keep talking badly about Peter who really hasn’t done anything. ) He says Lara Jean is like a little sister to him, and he’s worried. Lara Jean is enraged. Just then, though, Peter comes around the corner to give Lara Jean her bag. He asks if Josh is still outside and then kisses Lara Jean on the mouth. She’s stunned—and she likes it. Peter knows how to play a part… and he does it well. It’s significant that Lara Jean enjoys Peter’s kiss so much. Kissing was one thing they agreed not to do, and the fact that she likes it shows how real this relationship has become for her.

“He drives off into the night and I’m still standing there with my fingers to my lips. Peter Kavinsky just kissed me.”

In the movie… LJ doesn’t think that this charade should go on as long as the ski trip. She figures they will be over and everyone will have forgotten about the letters. However Peter has other ideas. Lara Jean gives in saying she will only go if her friend goes. Banking on the fact that Chris will not go.

In the run up to Christmas, Peter helps Lara Jean and Kitty with plans for their annual Christmas Cookie Bonanza: a tradition that used to involve Margot and Josh. It starts December 1st, as usual. LJ, Kitty, and Peter are in the living room going through cookbooks for cookie recipes to bake. There are the cookies they bake every year, but they’re deciding on new ones to try. Peter suggests they make a fruitcake cookie. Lara Jean insists fruitcake is disgusting, but Peter explains that one of his aunts makes a good fruitcake called Christmas Memory fruitcake. The doorbell rings, and Kitty runs to get it. It’s Josh, and he joins the others in the living room. Peter invites him to sit and is so friendly that Lara Jean is shocked. (I wasn’t shocked… we were never shown that Peter’s character is to be mean no matter how people deserve it.) Josh asks if they’re making his favorite cookie this year, but Peter says the list is already set. Kitty reads the list out loud and notes that they’re not making fruitcake cookies. Dad pops his head in to say that he wants fruitcake cookies, which makes Peter very happy. As Lara Jean teases Peter, she notices that Josh looks left out. Feeling bad, Lara Jean promises to consider his favorite cookie. The Christmas Cookie Bonanza allows LJ and Kitty to meld an old tradition (the bonanza itself) with some new traditions, such as trying out some new cookies this year. And having Peter around is a change, as he’s never been a part of this celebration before. The fact that everyone seems to be having fun shows that changes like these can be positive or even unnoticeable. Rather, adding new people to the mix and trying new foods are just parts of growing up and expanding one’s social circle.

Josh helps LJ’s Dad get the tree into the house and then stays to help the Song Covey’s decorate. Josh mediates an argument over what color lights to use between Kitty and LJ and then, he accidentally breaks an ornament. As LJ cleans up the glass, Josh notes that she acts different around Peter—not like herself. He warns her to be careful. (This seems to come out of nowhere and he seems surprised that she reacts the way she does.) He asks why Lara Jean never said anything about liking him, long before he and Margot started dating. He feels she should’ve told him. Lara Jean insists it wouldn’t have made a difference and says that Josh has never liked her; he’s just jealous, especially since Kitty likes Peter better. (I mean, I see it the same.) Josh looks angry, admits he’s jealous, and kisses Lara Jean. (At least he admitted it.) Lara Jean gapes at him and then runs to her room. I have thoughts on this… because I get that it was a desperate attempt. But again with people kissing folks that clearly do not want that. (Again they are kids, but as an adult I feel I need to point out this is not an okay thing. Not when LJ did it to Peter, and not now.) It doesn’t win her over like he hopes. I also notice that the way Lara Jean was a friend to Josh… He is not willing to be that to her as she dates Peter. That sucks. Josh fell in love with a specific version of Lara Jean, one that perhaps doesn’t exist anymore. 

“You’ve never thought of me that way, not ever, so don’t go trying to reinvent history now when I have somebody.”

“His face darkens. He glares at me and I glare back. “Fine!” he yells. “I’m jealous! Are you happy now!”

And then he jerks is head toward mine and he kisses me. On the lips.” “Triumphantly he says, “Did you predict that, Lara Jean?”

On the day of the ski trip, her dad drops LJ at school early in the morning and tells her to have a good time. As he drives away, Lara Jean sees Peter laughing with Genevieve. He gestures for LJ to join him as Genevieve walks away. Peter snuggles Lara Jean close while watching Genevieve, but LJ squirms away. She is trying to create distance between her and Peter. She has convinced that him and Genn are getting back together, especially since Genn and her college boyfriend broke up. This is the same boyfriend she dumped Peter for earlier in the story. As they board the bus a bit later, Peter invites LJ to sit with him. She insists she’s sitting with Chris, but Peter says she has to sit with him—she’s his girlfriend. Chris shakes her head when Lara Jean sits next to her, and Lara Jean frowns when she watches Genevieve sit next to Peter. She’s tired of only kind of being his girlfriend. But Gen was only able to sit there and be close to him because she refused to. When the bus pulls in at the lodge, Chris goes to snowboard with Charlie, a boy she started flirting with on the bus. LJ would go snowboard with Peter, but he doesn’t invite her. (Because she already blew him off…) She goes to get lunch and tries to avoid Ms. Davenport, who’s also eating. Ms. Davenport asks why Lara Jean isn’t on the slopes, especially since Peter is a great snowboarder. LJ decides she’s not ready to let Genevieve have Peter yet, so she announces that she is going to go outside. LJ keeps an eye out for Peter and finally spots him. She calls for him, and he seems to hear her, but he doesn’t acknowledge her.  LJ runs into Peter, Gabe, and Darrell in the hallway. They’re in swim trunks. Gabe and Darrell say they missed Lara Jean earlier, but LJ says Peter didn’t respond when she called to him. Gabe and Darrell leave for the hot tub, leaving LJ and Peter alone. LJ asks if he’s mad and notes that since he talked her into coming, he could at least speak to her. Peter bursts out that Lara Jean could’ve sat next to him earlier. She’s flabbergasted that he’s so upset about that, even when he says it’s just what people who are dating do. (Lara Jean doesn’t have any idea why Peter is so upset because she’s been so focused on her own thoughts and emotions. It hasn’t occurred to her that Peter might have real feelings for her too, and that she might’ve seriously offended Peter by refusing to sit with him on the bus. )

LJ says she didn’t realize it was such a big deal and promises to sit next to Peter on the way home. He agrees—and then says he brought special donuts for her. He ate them all. Then, seriously, Peter says he’s started to like Lara Jean. He kissed her in seventh grade, and he’s going along with this charade, because he thinks she’s cute. Lara Jean asks if he’s still in love with Genevieve. Peter acknowledges that he cares about Genevieve, but he likes Lara Jean. Lara Jean doesn’t know what to do. She wants to be Peter’s first choice, so she tells him that if Peter really liked her, he wouldn’t also care about Genevieve. (which is not true at all.)

“Peter grabs my hand mid-swat and says, “Wanna hear something funny?”

“What?”

“I think I started liking you.”

LJ and Peter argue, and Peter gets angrier. He insists that Lara Jean chooses to fall in love with boys she doesn’t have a chance at actually dating and asks what she’s scared of. Lara Jean insists she’s not afraid and accuses Peter of being angry that she didn’t “die of happiness” because Peter said he liked her. Peter says Lara Jean would rather be with a fantasy than a real person, tells her to grow up, and leaves for the hot tub. (I had to side with Peter on this one. For example, Lucas and LJ become friends despite her sending him one of the letters. Lucas is not someone she could have dated and therefore she isn’t scared. When confronted with a person who actually wants to date her, Lara Jean freezes up and gets scared—and she lashes out to protect herself.)

“God, what makes you such an expert on love? You’ve liked five guys in your life. One was gay, one lives in Indiana or Montana or some place, McClaren moved away before anything could actually happen, one was dating your sister. And then there’s me. Hmm, what do we all have in common? What’s the common denominator?”

I feel all the blood rush to my face. “That’s not fair.”

Peter leans in close and says, “You only like guys you don’t have a shot with, because you’re scared. What are you so scared of?”

I back away from him, right into the wall. “I’m not scared of anything.”

“The hell you’re not. You’d rather make up a fantasy version of somebody in your head than be with a real person.”

I glare at him. “You’re just mad because I didn’t die of happiness because the great Peter Kavinsky said he liked me. Your ego really is that enormous.”

His eyes flash. “Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t show up on your doorstep with flowers and profess my undying love for you, Lara Jean, but guess what, that’s not real life. You need to grow up.”

That’s it. I don’t have to listen to this. I turn on my heel and walk away. Over my shoulder I say, “Enjoy the hot tub.”

“I always do,” he calls back.”

LJ thinks Peter is so out of line, but she can’t shake the feeling that he might be right. LJ has always known she couldn’t have him (based on… what exactly???) Why didn’t she tell him the truth—that she likes him—when he expressed the same? I don’t have an answer and neither does she. He’s not just a handsome boy. Lara Jean decides to be brave and fall in love, so she heads for the hot tub. FINALLY GIRL. Since curfew is in 15 minutes, she hopes Peter is still there before she loses her nerve. He’s alone in the hot tub and seems perplexed as she takes her coat off and sits on the edge of the hot tub, putting in just her feet. She says she didn’t know what to say earlier, but she likes him. Peter says he doesn’t understand girls, and Lara Jean wonders if she messed everything up. She scoots closer and kisses him—and Peter kisses her back. He pulls her onto his lap in the water. LJ kisses Peter again. For her, kissing feels amazing. Finally, Peter says they should go back to their rooms; it’s after curfew. Lara Jean is freezing as soon as she stands up, so Peter towels her off and helps her into her coat. They kiss before they part ways.

The next morning, as LJ heads outside for the bus, she sees Peter. He grins and calls for her. But as they walk to the bus together, someone whistles, and it seems like everyone is staring at them—including Genevieve. Peter doesn’t seem concerned as they settle onto the bus. (There are many people that felt some type of way about him being unconcerned, but I feel differently.)

The bus stops at a diner for breakfast. When LJ goes to the bathroom, Genevieve is there putting on lip gloss. As Lara Jean comes out of the stall, Genevieve says she knows Lara Jean and Peter had sex in the hot tub last night. (Girl WHAT???) I have to ask myself if LJ is really going to believe this girl that is clearly jealous of her… (Sadly yes.) Lara Jean tries to choke back tears and says she and Peter just kissed, but Genevieve says Peter is telling people they had sex. Genevieve insists people are congratulating him because he convinced “sweet little Lara Jean” to have sex with him. She claims that Peter is just dating Lara Jean to make Genevieve jealous; he’s using her. Now Gen is getting attention by hitting on all of LJ’s insecurities. But poor Peter is going to be eaten alive… If I was Peter, I would be so offended that no matter what bad thing people say about me… she seems inclined to believe them.

Peter stops next to her and asks if she’s okay. When he hears that everyone is saying they had sex, he says that people need to keep to themselves. He’s not concerned and insists the rumor doesn’t matter, since it’s not true. And while I agree… especially in the age of social media… It doesn’t matter to people what the truth is… They run with the most scandalous. It is easy for Peter to say that the rumor doesn’t matter, as he’s not the one who will suffer the most because of this gossip. People are congratulating him so he is not the one bearing the brunt of the accusations. LJ’s not sure if he told people, but she says it doesn’t matter—he probably didn’t discourage others from talking about it. There is no evidence to support this theory… and I wonder what people think Peter was supposed to do… threaten people, get into fights. Reacting would have fuel for the gossip.

Kitty and Margot pick LJ up at school. Lara Jean tries to stay upbeat, but Margot asks if everything’s okay. Lara Jean says she’s fine; she’s just going to sleep through Christmas break. She turns her phone off when Peter texts asking to talk. That night, while Margot and LJ are wrapping presents, Margot decides to hold the recital party the day after Christmas. She and Margot discuss party foods and a guest list. Margot suggests they invite Peter and his family, but Lara Jean shakes her head. She refuses to admit that anything happened on the ski trip. (And why would she talk to Margot…? She has been rude and condescending about Peter all book… SMH). Lara Jean stays home as much as possible over the next day. She works on her scrapbook and waits for Peter to text. Josh does instead; he says he heard what happened and asks if she’s okay. Lara Jean says it’s not true, and Josh responds that he didn’t believe it. That night, she stays up late waiting for Peter to reach out. At three in the morning, she throws away his notes and deletes his pictures and number from her phone. (I have no idea why… He reached out to her to talk and she ignored him… now again she is mad at him after she blew him off. I know they are YA’s but she is starting to annoy me with this.)

The recital party is in full swing. Margot is playing piano with her old piano teacher singing along (it is all about her.), and Kitty and Josh are playing with Jamie (the puppy Kitty got for Christmas). Just then, Peter walks in with a tin of cookies. LJ scathingly asks why he’s here, and Peter says Kitty invited him. (Now wasn’t she waiting for him to call and disappointed when he didn’t even though he asked her to talk and she turned off her phone and ignored him completely?) When he notices Josh looking at them, Peter says he and Lara Jean need to talk. Lara Jean refuses and tells him to leave, but Peter steers her into the kitchen.

LJ says she’s upset because Peter doesn’t care that people are saying they had sex in the hot tub. She asks if he actually told his friends the truth, or if he let them think they had sex. Suddenly, Josh appears in the doorway and calls Peter a “scumbag.” (What is the REASON???? You see two people having a conversation that in no way involves you and you jump in and call him a name for no reason. To me… Peter was justified in being annoyed. He had been being bad mouthed all book/movie) LJ tells the boys to quiet down as Peter insults Josh, and Josh says that this is what he tried to protect Lara Jean from.  (Protect her how? By kissing her? Give me a break.) It is revealed that LJ had a crush on Josh in a loud fashion. LJ realizes Margot is standing behind Josh. Margot asks Lara Jean to say it’s not true, but Lara Jean can’t answer. Lara Jean is ready to die. Josh tries to placate Margot, but she tells him to get out. She accuses Lara Jean of betraying her trust and runs upstairs. LJ bursts into tears as Josh heads for the door. Peter tries to comfort her, but Lara Jean asks him to leave. Just as Genevieve blamed Lara Jean for her middle school kiss with Peter, Margot also blames Lara Jean without knowing the whole story.

“Everyone is saying how we had sex in the hot tub and I’m a slut and you don’t even care!”
“I told the guys we didn’t!”
“Did you? Did you tell them that all we did was kiss and that’s all we’ve ever done?” Peter hesitates, and I go on. “Or did you say, ‘Guys, we didn’t have sex in the hot tub,’ wink wink, nudge nudge.”
Peter glares at me. “Give me a little more credit than that, Covey.”
“You’re such a scumbag, Kavinsky.”
I spin around. There is Josh, in the doorway, glaring at Peter.
“It’s your fault people are saying that crap about Lara Jean.” Josh shakes his head in disgust. “She’d never do that.”
“Keep your voice down,” I whisper, my eyes darting around. This is not happening right now. At recital party, with everyone I’ve ever known my whole entire life in the next room.
Peter’s jaw twitches. “This is a private conversation, Josh, between me and my girlfriend. Why don’t you go play World of Warcraft or something. Or maybe there’s a Lord of the Rings marathon on TV.”
“Fuck you, Kavinsky,” Josh says. I gasp. To me Josh says, “Lara Jean, this is exactly what I’ve been trying to protect you from. He’s not good enough for you. He’s only bringing you down.”
Beside me Peter stiffens. “Get over it! She doesn’t like you anymore. It’s over. Move on.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Josh says.
“Whatever, dude. She told me you tried to kiss her. You try that again, and I’m kicking your ass.”

Lara Jean barges into Margot’s room and says Margot had no right to talk to Daddy. Tightly, Margot insists that Lara Jean doesn’t know what she’s doing, and that Lara Jean has changed. Lara Jean retorts that she’s not going to have sex with Peter just because Margot had sex with Josh. She shouts that this is convenient for Margot: since Daddy is disappointed in Lara Jean right now, he can’t be disappointed in Margot. (It is super annoying to know that she tried to get LJ in trouble for having sex… which LJ didn’t do… only for it to be revealed that she slept with Josh.) LJ runs for her room, but Margot follows her in and locks the door. Margot wants to know if Josh shared that they’d had sex, and LJ tries to explain everything. She says that she liked Josh first and swallowed it when he and Margot started dating. LJ says she and Josh only kissed once, and he’s still in love with Margot.

it’s New Year’s Eve. LJ’s family always stays home, but this year is different. Margot is with some school friends in the mountains, and Lara Jean secretly hopes Josh will be there. Daddy is at a work party, and it’s just Lara Jean and Kitty at home. They eat popcorn and discuss Lara Jean’s sadness. Lara Jean insists she’s just sad and doesn’t know why. Maybe she misses Peter. Kitty tells Lara Jean to call him, but Lara Jean says she can’t. She decides to tell Kitty the truth: that her relationship with Peter was a fake. After her private letters got sent, she was humiliated, and things got out of control. Nervously, Kitty asks Lara Jean to not be mad—she sent the letters. Lara Jean shrieks, but Kitty says she was so mad that Lara Jean was going to tell Josh about her crush. She regretted sending the letters immediately. When Lara Jean asks how Kitty knew about the letters, Kitty admits to going through Lara Jean’s things sometimes when Lara Jean isn’t home. Remembering how she read Margot’s letter from Josh, Lara Jean doesn’t say anything. Kitty apologizes and races upstairs and returns with the hatbox. (Would I be annoyed? Absolutely. It was such an extremely mean thing to do and then regret immediately.) LJ forgives her sister. She pulls out her stationery to write a new love letter to Peter, to tell him that she still cares for him.

In the second book…. P.S. I Still Love You, On New Year’s Day, LJ holds a love letter in her pocket, waiting to send it to Peter Kavinsky. Now that Lara Jean is certain about her romantic feelings for Peter, she goes to his house to deliver the letter. It turns out that Peter was missing her also, so they decide to begin a real relationship.